5am...American Life...Can't sleep

 It's 5am and I can not sleep. I'm sure all Americans out there somewhere can't sleep. 

  What is keeping you up doing these times of the pandemic?

  I will tell you mines. No job as unemployment is gone. I guess I have to apply for assistant. Unemployment should have never stop. Don't they see we are in a crisis. They want me to work but now I have to choose between my family health or away to pay my bills. Cases are rising then before. High risk people in my house. My dad works but he is a essential work. If he wasn't, well someone will have to work.

  Being a Single mom during this time is hard. First you deal with how are you going to take care of your kids? I applied for food stamps. I worked my ass off to get off and start providing more. I was happy to be off of them for...dang 2 years. I set a goal for myself and I did it. I was heading towards a new career before covic-19 hit. I applied for food stamps, then unemployment like every American when we was shut down. 

  Went back to work to just only have my boss be a ass while my mom had cancer. My boss didn't care so I had to decide to take care of her plus my kids. Family came first. I'm holding it down as my dad go out and work. I wish I can do more.

  Finding work during this time is not easy. When you are a full-time single mom you don't have a choice but to see what you can do at home. Since I live with my parents, there are some jobs I can not do. Daycare for once is a no. Getting a job online, well the ones I want I don't have enough experience. The one I was going to go with, well the pay suck as it is minimum wage and the hours or like "Really? You want me to work M-F and get paid only 26.5 hours? let's be real here?" I guess I'm saying don't be to desperate.

  While stores are starting to close again due to high cases in different states, I found myself looking at the Map on CNN. There I saw my state. Burgundy Red. My state has reach the mark of no return. 300,000 plus more cases. 

 We didn't stop the surge of the virus but we made it worse. Locked down just for a month didn't help. Government gave people loans to get back up and running again. Some stayed close as they collect a good amount of unemployment and paid what they could even though they struggles. You can see I was the one that went back to work and made less money then before. Risk my life just for goods that people really didn't need. It was not essential shit. It was more off...."I want to be normal again" 

  Let me go back. Before that, I had rent to pay. Yup I had to pay rent. I could not wait to leave as I new things were going to be tight and I was the only one paying rent and the rest of the bills for the next 3 months. A place I barely stayed at due to Covic-19. I wanted to be close to my mom if she need it anything and if I need it anything. I was living with the kids father at that time but he was not helping. I figure why be somewhere where a person leaves all the time to work. Should I say instant cart, not a real job. 

  Even though the apartment offer some assistant and gave me time to pay rent, I paid rent on time. I made sure we was moved out by May. I even though about moving to another place. I could make ends meet. I had a job and didn't have to worry about school for kids. Then of course Covic-19 did a 360 on me and my life flip up side down when I heard about my mom's diagnosis she kept from me.  

  Now you see, I got on unemployment and went back to work in a month. worked and then went back on unemployment do to family needs. Single parent who already was struggling but making ends meet. Separated from kids father. Kids need it to be taken care of since my personal nanny/grandma that would watch the kids for me at work was ill. I had to make some hard choices. 

 Then I found myself wonder how long will I be single. Can I go out and date? This shit will be over. I told myself over and over. Not able to talk to....well a man in person. That connection with the opposite sex I was craving was gone. I was now stuck with kids 24/7 days a week. When I go out, I try to stay out a little longer so time could pass faster. If I wanted to go out, I would sneak out. Make up a excuse and go see someone. Chill, talk and that was it. Going back out to just chill and talk was not a regular thing. 

  Remember coviv-19 was here and I had to be safe and not let anything in. Dating sites didn't help as I crave to see people but I couldn't. I didn't have my own place to see if anything would come to light. I was not in a great place to be like "Hey you want to chill?  or "Hey let's cook together and watch Netflix." No one to watch the kids and again, high risk people around me. 

  My love life just went into the trach cane. One person on a dating app told me to not give up on love. He was older then me but maybe he saw in my profile I was giving up or probably wanted to. It was pointless to look for love when I probably won't be able to see them in person in the next 2 years. Who knows, they might die before we could meet anyways. I'm sure plenty of people died and the saddest ones are the ones that never found there love of there lives. 

  I guess things are going to be different. I know more will die and we all better have a glass of wine or beer locked away. We are going to need it. 

  Now you see my life in America is not sweet. It is probably worse here then some other country. I really don't know but as far as the ones I know of like in England, they are getting 86% back to the people of what they usually make when they was working. At least it is something. Some countries are giving there people 2,000 a month to 4,000 a month. I have no idea what us Americans are thinking but dang we are struggling over here. 

 It's more like "where did are tax money go?"